6.4 Family Relationships: Parenting, Parents, Siblings      Version 1.1 March 2012

 

 

This is all preliminary, not well organized yet.

 

Family relationships should bring joy.  They often don’t.  They are still critical to us all.

We can work out a set of guidelines for dealing with family life, based on the philosophical stance we have taken, our understanding of science and history, and whatever insights and role models we can take from religion, art and culture.  The values we explicitly adopt and our approach to our personal integrity also impact on these guidelines.  Here is an initial draft to indicate the general nature of guidelines we could develop in this context.

Marriage involves two or more adults sharing their relationships and property, in which sexual relations would be normal but not obligatory.  The state may properly be involved to enforce contracts related to property, and these may be associated with agreements on sexual fidelity within the marriage, such as a commitment to monogamy.  Marriage may be authorised by law, custom or a religious ceremony, or be simply “de facto”.  Marriage is a choice.  The commitment must be almost total – sharing worldly goods, in sickness and in health, for better for worse.

Family relationships arise when children arrive.  Why should we care for our children, siblings or parents?  Simple compassion leads us to be concerned for the welfare of others in general.  Familiarity with others can generate greater compassion: as we grow up with people, we know them better and feel closer.  Genetic similarities can influence our appearance and our behaviour, so we may feel greater bonds with relatives that we did not grow up with.  Game theory, such as the repeated prisoners dilemma, demonstrates that cooperative strategies are beneficial, even without invoking emotional bonds or moral obligations.  Social constraints in all societies impose rules on us to look after our at least our children and our parents.  The mere fact that such rules are so universal does not of itself mean we should follow them, but a society that does so leads to greater happiness and personal fulfilment, so it is reasonable for us to do so.

The world is overpopulated and the legitimate aspirations of the current population to achieve or maintain a reasonable standard of living is destroying the environment.  Part of the solution is to devise ways to deliver a reasonable standard of living more efficiently with less impact on the environment, part of the solution is to modify our standards so that what is delivered actually does lead to happier, more fulfilled and more contented lives.  A major part of the solution is to reduce the size of the population by reducing the birth rate.

It is irresponsible for adults to have children that are unplanned or unwanted.  Preaching abstinence to unmarried people or within marriages is ineffective.  Contraception must be freely available and adopted by everyone having heterosexual sex, the only exception being those who are actively seeking to make a baby.

Unwanted children that are born should be adopted out to parents who cannot otherwise have children – infertility affects about 1 in 10 couples.  “Morning after” pills and early to mid term medical abortion must be available to all women on demand and delivered safely.

Given the vagaries of life, it is impossible to make hard and fast rules for parenting, but general guidelines can clearly be made and each situation must be assessed on its merits. 

The overriding objective must be to produce healthy, sane, educated, aware, compassionate, young people who can then lead productive and fulfilled lives, while preserving the health and sanity of the parent(s).  It is appropriate for society to make laws and establish institutions to promote these goals.

One cannot choose one’s parents, but parents should choose how they have children.

1.      It is best if children have close relationships with a loving mother and a loving father.  Close relationships with other loving adults can only be a bonus.  But a parent child relationship that is destructive (and many are) is better avoided. 

2.      Medical technology now allows infertile people to have children, in many different ways, including donated sperm, donated eggs, and surrogate mothers, so that a child may have perhaps 5 “parents” – the biological mother and father, the birth mother, and the social mother and father.  If marriages split up and parents re-partner or remarry there can also be additional step parents.  All these relationships must be managed in the best interests of all involved.

3.      Single parenting may be a valid choice, especially if the other parent is absent or destructive. It would be better if an additional ongoing relationship can be formed, with other relatives or friends of the parent.  Single parenting is hard work and generally not something one would consciously choose beforehand, even if one would not change things after the fact. 

4.      Gay parenting can also be a valid choice, but it is probably generally better if the children have contact with their biological parent(s) and an ongoing relationship with other relatives or friends of the opposite sex to the parents.

5.      Adopted children must be treated as though they were biological children, and it is probably best if they are aware of being adopted and, if possible, have some relationship with their biological parents.

6.      Siblings separated as a result of family breakups, adoption or other trauma are entitled to know about their siblings, and probably also step siblings.

Raising children is fraught with difficulties.  Despite the best intentions of the parents children are often strikingly different from their parents and choose different paths.

1.      Babies are best born naturally, unless there is a medical reason for intervention.

2.      Babies are best fed breast milk exclusively for the first 6 months, unless breast feeding is impossible or medically inappropriate, then gradually introduced to solid foods.

3.      Children are best fed fresh food, with adequate protein, vitamins, minerals and carbohydrates.  The best natural diet includes fruit, vegetables, cereal and some meat and fish.  Vegetarian parents must ensure their children especially get the required amount of protein, calcium, iron and vitamin B12.

4.      Children need opportunities to freely exercise and play with other children.

5.      Children are entitled to consistent, firm and fair discipline, under which parents enforce rules for personal safety, preservation of property and the environment and polite co-operation with others.  Failure to abide by the rules must have consistent consequences. Withdrawal from the situation and light corporal punishment is appropriate for young children, withdrawal of privileges is appropriate for older children, and the reasons for the rules and their consequences must be explained.

6.      Children are entitled to be educated, with other children, by professionals, to secondary school level.  Children do best if they can pursue education to the peak of their ability, in daily living skills, trades, professions, or academia.

7.      School curriculums should be designed to produce young adults with basic proficiency in reading and writing, mathematics, the science of evolution, world and local history, culture, critical thinking, the structure of religion, shared human values and democratic principles.

As the children mature and become productive, and parents and become unproductive, ill or frail, the direction of service delivery in the family changes away from parent to child towards child to parent.  The overriding objective is to treat the elderly with respect and compassion, so that they can lead fulfilled lives, to the degree practical.  The parents must look after themselves as best as they can, and accept the help provided by their children with good grace.

It is also generally accepted that we should have more supportive relationships with our siblings, and these extend out to cousins and in-laws.  But we need to be realistic in what we can provide given our limited resources, what is the most efficient and effective use of our resources, and the degree of responsibility the other parties show.