6.0.4 Personal Relationships - Overview

Version 1.2 December 2013                                                        (Previous Version)

We can devise a set of guidelines for dealing with personal relationships, based on the philosophical stance we have taken, our understanding of science and history, and whatever insights and role models we can take from religion, art and culture.  The core values we explicitly adopt and our approach to our personal integrity also impact on these guidelines. 

Non-sexual friendships are not too controversial.  There is general agreement on behavioural guidelines for friendships.  Friends can be entertaining, educational and engaging.  Friends can provide emotional and physical support.  Friends can also betray the friendship, especially by lying or showing disrespect.    We should be honest, loyal and helpful to our friends.

Sexual relationships are more controversial.  The biological and psychological aspects of sexual relations are covered in Chapters 2.6 (Primatology) and 2.7 (Neuroscience), particularly the evolutionary effects of how we are driven, the origins of sexual taboos such as incest, and how orgasms produce hormones that increase trust: having sex is not called making love for nothing.

As Part 3 (History) shows, historically sex was inevitably linked to making babies, which affected families, social resources, inheritance, and so on.  Modern contraception allows us to have sexual relations with a minimal risk of pregnancy, and we need to work out how to behave in such relationships.  Dealing with children is discussed in the chapter on families. 

The world is over populated.  No baby should be conceived that isn't wanted.  Access to legal and safe contraception is essential, and must be used if there is any possibility of conceiving an unwanted child – all heterosexual relations must take this into account.

Sex is available for us to enjoy.  We should try to arrange things so that we can.  For any explicit sexual activity consent must be effective.  For consent to be valid there must be mental competence and the safe possibility of not consenting without adverse consequences. 

Sexual relations can involve strong emotions and hence involve a responsibility to consider the feelings of both ourselves and others, to avoid emotional abuse of others and avoid exposing ourselves to emotional abuse.  We want to maximise the joy.  This means we must be open and honest about our intentions and our situation, to those who are reasonably affected, and especially with ourselves.  We must plan for the unexpected to happen – for a casual relationship to suddenly become serious (for one or both parties) or for an established relationship to break down.  Within these constraints, who does what with whom is generally no-one else’s business: masturbation, oral sex, homosexuality, premarital and extramarital sex, group sex and so on are OK if no-one is hurt.

That said, we must assume monogamy is the normal, default arrangement for a new relationship, and any diversion away from that must be negotiated with caution, because negative emotions such as possessiveness, jealousy, envy, insecurity are normal and can't be lightly dismissed. 

   more                                                             Statement 31

Good sexual relationships are based on values such as truth, life, love, responsibility and equality.